Thursday, March 7, 2013

Thirty Silly Greatest Hits from Fifty Shades of Grey

  1. Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I hit the pedal to the metal.  (4)
  2. With my heart almost strangling me – because it’s in my throat trying to escape from my mouth – I head down one of the aisles to the electrical section.  (26)
  3. I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me.  (33)
  4. I am all gushing and breathy – like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the state of Washington.  (35)
  5. I could watch him all day…he’s tall, broad-shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips…Oh my.  (42)
  6. In my groggy frame of mind, he looks yummy.  (63)
  7. My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe.  (68)
  8. The car interior is filled with the sweetest, most magical music of two women singing.  (80)
  9. He’s only touching a very small area of my body, and the hormones are flying.  (86)
  10. I can see Christian to infinity everywhere I look, and the wonderful thing is he’s holding me to infinity, too.  (93)
  11. “Anastasia, I need you supple, strong, and with stamina.”  (107)
  12. My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.  (109)
  13. Christian Grey’s feet…wow…what is it about naked feet?  (112)
  14. His pants hang from his hips, in that way…oh my.  (123)
  15. Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley…Oh my.  (184)
  16. I’m all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake…and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.  (190)
  17. Oh…shouty capitals!  (206)
  18. Taking a deep breath and mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel.  (214)
  19. My inner goddess is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.  (245)
  20. I examine the list, and my inner goddess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.  (257)
  21. My subconscious runs, screaming, and hides behind the couch.  (259)
  22. Well, it’s been swept under the rug that my inner goddess is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday.  (303)
  23. I want his proximity.  (305)
  24. My inner goddess has her pom-poms in hand – she’s in cheerleading mode.  (310)
  25. “Phew – the UST in here, it’s unbearable.”  (423)
  26. My subconscious has her Munch’s Scream face on again.  (434)
  27. Her voice trails off, stumbling over her words as she gets an eyeful of Mr. Beautiful opposite me.  (457)
  28. Her presence allows me to escape briefly from his sensual glare.  (457)
  29. Inside my subconscious relaxes and then collapses, slumped in an old battered armchair.  (482)
  30. Which piece of apparatus will he use?  (485)
I was trying to get to fifty for some nice parallelism, but honestly, I had enough of the oh mys, purple prose, overwrought metaphors, and personified subconscious and inner goddess.  Not to mention all of the moments where I had to exclaim out loud, "I don't think this means what she thinks it means."  Coming soon: why I bothered to read this book, and some musings on why I feel a need to explain that.


  1. Oh, my (heh, heh). I think thirty was more than enough!

  2. Oh, um, me? I could snark on so many of these, but surely if someone is going to write out shouty capitals, it should be in capital. SHOULDN'T IT?

    Also, I'm glad she clarified that she was only girding her loins mentally.

    And I'm curious as to why you did read this--I'll be waiting for your next post!

    1. Oh the snark possibilities when reading this book...I haven't even mentioned her absolutely ridiculous use of the composer I study, Thomas Tallis! The ranting possibilities there are endless.

  3. Well, that last bit just begs for an explanation! One of my dogs is named Tallis, so I'd like to know what she's been up to...